Funny Stuff from the internet

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optimusprime
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #241 by optimusprime » March 23rd, 2015, 8:27 pm

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You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.
~ Malcolm XImage

pjhimself
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #242 by pjhimself » March 26th, 2015, 7:12 pm

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said he wanted to be a movie star. Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”


The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will never go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will have to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

Five years later, the agent opened an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope was a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent was awestruck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He read the letter enclosed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,


Dick van Dyke

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(I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!)

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Bill Bryan
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #243 by Bill Bryan » March 27th, 2015, 8:28 am

=))
"My presidency is entering the fourth quarter. Interesting stuff happens in the fourth quarter."
- President Barack Obama

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optimusprime
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #244 by optimusprime » April 24th, 2015, 8:22 pm

Image
You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.
~ Malcolm XImage

pjhimself
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #245 by pjhimself » May 5th, 2015, 2:39 pm

Church Service in 2015
.
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone,
and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."


P-a-u-s-e......


"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and
debit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to
computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer
your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart
phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.
a. This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook
group pages where the usual group chatting takes place.
Please log in and don't miss out.
b. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please
don't miss out.
c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and
prayers.
God bless and have a nice day.



And Jesus wept…..
-------------------------------------------

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Bill Bryan
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #246 by Bill Bryan » May 6th, 2015, 5:30 am

Jesus would oppose technological progress? That IS funny! =))
"My presidency is entering the fourth quarter. Interesting stuff happens in the fourth quarter."
- President Barack Obama

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7rob7
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #247 by 7rob7 » May 7th, 2015, 2:05 pm

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There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be; it's easy.

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Bill Bryan
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #248 by Bill Bryan » May 8th, 2015, 5:23 am

Image
"My presidency is entering the fourth quarter. Interesting stuff happens in the fourth quarter."
- President Barack Obama

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7rob7
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #249 by 7rob7 » May 27th, 2015, 1:58 pm

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There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be; it's easy.

pjhimself
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #250 by pjhimself » May 31st, 2015, 7:53 pm

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22
year old white male, who was acting out lewd behavior with a pumpkin
in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet
County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect
explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a
drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: " as there
was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one
around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to
his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing
need. “Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with
evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy
Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's
for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
humping away at this pumpkin.’ Deputy Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’ He froze and
was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me
straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight
already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence
was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on
his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best
comeback line ever.

East of Here
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #251 by East of Here » June 10th, 2015, 8:49 pm


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7rob7
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #252 by 7rob7 » June 11th, 2015, 3:13 pm

Thanks, East! That's going into the course materials for my performing objects class. :D
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7rob7
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #253 by 7rob7 » June 11th, 2015, 3:14 pm

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clando
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #254 by clando » June 19th, 2015, 12:40 am

Texas Chili Cook Off

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming!!!

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
FRANK: (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

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7rob7
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #255 by 7rob7 » June 22nd, 2015, 12:52 pm

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7rob7
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #256 by 7rob7 » June 29th, 2015, 12:03 pm

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East of Here
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #257 by East of Here » July 6th, 2015, 7:48 pm

This was how I spent the 4th. Not exactly funny. But sure as hell fun...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtR5n4JD3Dg&feature=youtu.be

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Bill Bryan
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #258 by Bill Bryan » July 9th, 2015, 8:46 am

That's pretty cool. I had never heard of tannerite. You can even make your own.
"My presidency is entering the fourth quarter. Interesting stuff happens in the fourth quarter."
- President Barack Obama

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Bill Bryan
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #259 by Bill Bryan » July 9th, 2015, 8:47 am

Image
"My presidency is entering the fourth quarter. Interesting stuff happens in the fourth quarter."
- President Barack Obama

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Bill Bryan
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Re: Funny Stuff from the internet

Post #260 by Bill Bryan » July 10th, 2015, 7:33 am

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"My presidency is entering the fourth quarter. Interesting stuff happens in the fourth quarter."
- President Barack Obama


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